George Carlin died yesterday. He was a funny man.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
He is best known for his bit from 1972’s Class Clown titled “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.” His right to say those words was at issue in a 1978 Supreme Court case that upheld the FCC’s right to ban the broadcast of offensive language at times when children might be listening. Go on and read it now.
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