Browsed by
Category: Humor

Islands of Support Lose Infrastructure as Presidential Tweetstorm Wreaks Havoc

Islands of Support Lose Infrastructure as Presidential Tweetstorm Wreaks Havoc

@realDonaldTrump tweets last hopes.

As the indictments roll in, President Donald Trump (PDT) has taken to Twitter as his choice platform for denouncing the Constitutional protections provided by the foundational documents of the nation with which he’s found himself executively charged.

It was reported that PDT was clearly discombobulated due to a lack of sleep, setting the stage for an afternoon, post-siesta announcement that PDT may not be serving its original purpose. This was the first clear indication of the administration’s intentions to reverse the early 20th century policy of arbitrarily adding one hour before anyone wakes up to accommodate the mythical schedules of farming families at a time when they were seen as fundamental to the health of national economics.

“We have a history of making huge changes that do nothing but make things easier for our twenty closest associates in the great body of the United States of America’s Ruling Class, and PDT is absolutely recognized as one of those changes,” said one high-level Trump administration volunteer.

Paul Manafort, whose name translates, according to certain interpretations of ancient texts, to “Paul, Man of the Fort”, did not respond immediately to requests for comment. A young man who identified himself only as “Ma! Ma? I have cookie? No-no! Bad-man-da-phone-pa-pop!” agreed to speak with us via telephone, anonymously as far as we could tell. His story seemed strained and inconsistent, occasionally taking several minutes to speak with someone he would only refer to as “Data” and asking for an audience with “the party”, saying repeatedly to “Data” that he “need to go to the party. Have to go to party, Data!” followed almost immediately by the sounds of a few people clapping and then a flushing noise. Clear signals of guilt.

Happy Birthday to Kurt Vonnegut

Happy Birthday to Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt-Vonnegut Happy Birthday to Kurt Vonnegut

Happy Birthday to Kurt Vonnegut who was born 94 years ago on this day in 1922. He died in 2007, so this quote obviously refers to the Bush Administration, but I think it will have even more resonance on January 20, 2017.

I myself feel that our country, for whose Constitution I fought in a just war, might as well have been invaded by Martians and body snatchers. Sometimes I wish it had been. What has happened, though, is that it has been taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy, Keystone Cops-style coup d’etat imaginable. And those now in charge of the federal government are upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka ‘Christians,’ and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities, or “PPs”.

Emerald City Comic Con Panties

Emerald City Comic Con Panties

Nerdy panties found their way into my sphere of consciousness today. I’ll lay out the details here in a much more boring way than what’s really going on inside my head. It will mostly involve pictures.

First, the “featured image” of this post was gratuitously stolen from http://www.80stees.com/categories/batman.

So, there’s Etsy with its plethora of nerdy women:

il_fullxfull.418441518_9zgj Emerald City Comic Con Panties

I was caught up in the ECCC traffic this afternoon (on the bus), and noticed how all these really hot girls in super nerdy outfits were being followed by throngs of less sexy nerds. It occurred to me that these women have really carved out their niche.

And I’m probably late to the party. It seems there’s a whole niche industry built up around selling nerd panties.

Read More Read More

Happy Birthday to Paul Krugman

Happy Birthday to Paul Krugman

Krugman-goes-ballistic Happy Birthday to Paul Krugman

He is 61 years old today, and he’s made an announcement about his future plans.

I have informed Princeton that I will be retiring at the end of next academic year, that is, in June 2015. In August 2015 I will join the faculty of the Graduate Center, City University of New York, as a professor in the Ph.D. program in economics. I will also become a distinguished scholar at the Graduate Center’s Luxembourg Income Study Center.

Read all about it here.

I spent half an hour on the “service chat” with AT&T and eliminated $20 worth of overpriced services I wasn’t using. Here’s the script…

I spent half an hour on the “service chat” with AT&T and eliminated $20 worth of overpriced services I wasn’t using. Here’s the script…

AT&T sales representatives are happy to assist you with your questions. AT&T sales representatives will not have access to your personal account. This service is provided to you under AT&Ts Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy. 

You are now chatting with Lorena, an AT&T sales representative.

Lorena: Welcome to AT&T online Feature Sales. How may I assist you with your features today?
Tony: I’m only using about 10% of my data plan. How can I choose a cheaper plan?
Lorena: I’d be happy to help you with our features today, Tony. Which data plan do you have now?
Tony: Or, if it’s possible, how can I add data and device tethering so that I can drop my home internet and just tether to my phone?
Tony: It looks like I’ve got Data Pro 2GB LTE
Tony: for iPhone
Lorena: The tethering/hotspot data plan is the 5GB for $50 if you wanted to do that. If you want to lower your data plan, we do have the 300MB for $20 that you can switch to. You wouldn’t be able to tether/hotspot with your phone unless you have the 5GB.
Tony: hm. No, I guess that’s not a better option. I get unlimited data via my cable provider for $47.
Tony: so it’s $25 for 2gb and $20 for 300mb?
Lorena: That’s correct. The 2GB data plan is no longer available though so once you switch from it, you won’t be bale to get it back.
Tony: what is available now?
Tony: The only option I see is the one I currently have.

Read More Read More

Ten questions for a Romney White House

Ten questions for a Romney White House

Once the White House is Romney’s home, how will official White House procedure mesh with his religious convictions? Besides the obvious – Will the White House include reproductive health coverage in its insurance package? – as an ex-Mormon, I have a few other questions that have popped up in recent months.

1. Would coffee or tea be served to guests and staff? Would the Romneys keep these items in their home? Will there be religious exemptions (PDF^) to common courtesy when he’s in charge? Will they revise the presidential portraits to reflect the time-immemorial No Smoking policy of the White House?

2. Would he appoint czars posthumously? Would they get back pay? If so, will 10% tithing be surrendered to the Church (as they likely have already been posthumously converted).

3. Will we ever watch a televised address without picturing him in his underwear? Also, is the White House cleaners going to be specially outfitted for handling the family’s special undies?

4. In accordance with not only Church doctrine, but also The Ten Commandments, will he take Sundays off? Will the staff? Not that any other politician who waves the Ten Commandments in our faces every election cycle has ever held themselves to the morals they want to enforce upon the rest of us, but it only takes one theocrat to set a precedent!

5. Does he plan to serve breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner on the first Sunday of each month – “Fast Sunday“? This is the day, once a month, where all Mormon children begin to formulate their opposition to their parents’ indoctrination. So I don’t blame the Romneys if this is one of those tenets they overlook when they’re cherry-picking what to wear on their sleeve and what not to.

6. Is Monday going to remain “Family Home Evening?” I actually liked this part, but it was hard even for my single mom to indulge us with once a week. It’s got to be tough for a busy, busy President.

7. To what extent will he live up to his obligations of service to the Church? Will he be given a political exemption by the Church? Maybe he gets work credit as long as he’s doing LDS leadership curriculum-approved work.

8. Will his Bishop have top-secret clearance in order to hear his confessions? To whom will he confess his war crimes?

9. Will the Church allow non-Mormon Secret Service Officers into the Temple, or will they all be required to be members in good standing, with Temple Recommends? Wouldn’t that violate federal hiring guidelines?

10. And finally, having nothing to do with his White House policies, will he be sworn in on a copy of the Book of Mormon? If so, will it be as it was originally revealed by God to the Prophet Joseph Smith? Or will it be the heavily edited and revised version that Mormons currently call the literal Word of God?

I look forward to finding the answers to these questions and more once our crack journalists and Edward R. Murrow (PDF^) inspired media outlets have  a chance to do their jobs. But now that I think of it, I wouldn’t care about the answers to any of these questions if the media were doing its job.

Happy Evacuation Day from Sarah Vowell and Jon Stewart

Happy Evacuation Day from Sarah Vowell and Jon Stewart

After you’ve finished battling stampeding, pepper spraying Black Friday shoppers in search of the best shopping deals you can find, take some time out to celebrate Evacuation Day. Here’s Sarah Vowell on The Daily Show to give you the details of this post-Thanksgiving holiday.

US Alcohol Consumption, why W.C. Fields didn’t drink water, and man urinates in Portland reservoir

US Alcohol Consumption, why W.C. Fields didn’t drink water, and man urinates in Portland reservoir

From Laphams’ Quarterly:

• In the 1790s in the United States, the average American over the age of fifteen consumed almost six gallons of pure alcohol per annum. The modern figure is 2.8.

• As to why he didn’t drink water, an inebriated W. C. Fields purportedly responded, “Fish fuck in it.”

From the Oregonian:

Because a 21-year-old man [who’d been drinking alcohol] was caught on a security camera urinating into a city reservoir, Oregon’s biggest city is sending 8 million gallons of treated drinking water down the drain.
 
Portland officials defended the decision Monday, saying they didn’t want to send city residents water laced, however infinitesimally, with urine.