Top 10 comparatively toxic number of things to smoke:
If you sleep with your windows open in Seattle for 24 hours, it’s just like smoking:
- 3 New York cockroaches, dried naturally in saltwater from the Great Pacific Garbage patch.
- The mystery contents of 5 vegan pill casings found in a small plastic bag lying in the parking space next over from the one you chose so your car wouldn’t get dinged.
- 5 cigarettes.
- 1 cigarette after accidentally lighting the filter and keeping going till it’s gone.
- The “left over” tobacco recovered from select unfinished butts in an outside coffee can ashtray wrapped in a page torn from the Bible. Leviticus or Revelation only, and only because you currently, honestly believe it would be better than nicotine withdrawal.
- 2 packs of 1950’s Marlboros per day for the rest of your life if it never killed you.
- One nickel.
- Whatever Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s stink-eye is based on.
- A 1971 anal thermometer.